In Which Christopher Robin Blogs the Oscars

Completely incomprehensible opening montage.

Jon Stewart cleans up nice.

OK, the "make-up sex" line made me laugh.

Things seem subdued, though I'm sure there are as many butts in seats as usual.

OK, I believe I have seen none of the contenders this year. There used to be a time when we'd scramble to see every film nominated for Best Picture; it really added to the experience of watching. Now...I'm pretty much lost.

Gaydolf Titler? Yikes. I bet Stewart can't wait to get off the stage.

The costuming winner rocks SO hard. That speech? Fifteen words, maybe. So classy.

Steve Carell channeling Michael Scott at the Oscars seems out of place.

Brad Bird! Excellent.

Is it me, or are there fewer nominees in a number of categories this year? (Makeup, Animated Feature)

Didier LaVergne has the world's best hair. I think Europeans are better at giving concise, heartfelt responses.

The fuck? "Happy Working Song"? This woman seems like an overly-earnest nanny. Oh well; it's a living, I suppose. I really like her dress, though.

Is Dwayne Johnson not going by "The Rock" anymore? He seems more hot than freaky, though just a year ago I would have said the opposite. Ah...I think he's dropped 30 pounds or so. That must be it.

Jennifer Hudson's breasts must have their own zip code.

"Oscars Salute to Binoculars and Periscopes." Brilliant, and blessedly brief.

"Raise It Up." That's what I'm talking about.

I take back what I said before. There are TOTALLY empty seats there.

Ohhhhhhh...Bee Movie. Well, having to listen to Jerry Seinfeld's voice did lead to some beautiful images. The animated short feature category looks incredibly cutting-edge.

Holy krapoly. I cannot BELIEVE Cate Blanchett lost Best Supporting Actress. Tilda Swinton rules the skool, but still.

Zzzzzz. Kristen Chenoweth sure can sing, but I bet you ten bucks that one of those construction workers was ABOUT to drop the man balanced on his shoulders.

Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill are much-needed about now. "I'm Halle Berry."

And now...Part Deux.